songs that are getting me through finals May 26, 2006

or things i like that you should too. 

jorma wittaker's take on "man with money" makes me smile. in 8th grade history we blared it after our final 'cause nothing says summer like an  Everly Brothers song.

portastic's song "little fern"

 "under the cover" is amazing. plus they named their band after a kinks album.

 snmnmnm has been in my car for a month. everything on it makes me happy!

She wants a man with lots of money, & I'm a poor boy
He buys her things, she calls him honey, she calls me poor boy
What good does it do to give her love good & true?
When any fool would understand
She thinks money makes a man She wants a man with lots of money, & I'm a poor boy
She wants the things you buy with money & not a poor boy

3 more days till freedom sanity summer!

summer reading list May 22, 2006

            

         

          

          

things that have kept me entertained today… May 9, 2006

i am so freakin' excited about making this necklace. the curly headed  one thought i was being sarcastic when i sent the picture to her in excitement. how little she understands….

 the horrible things people do their children… this is NOT SWIMWEAR!!!

what em & rachel will be wearing as soon as that miracle happens…

May 2, 2006

i have been too busy living this week to really post much. my job situation is still precarious. but as summertime approaches i find myself more & more on that wavelength. its part of why i love being in education. as the days gets longer my ability and desire to be social increases. this works well.

this week em & i have decided that we want to jump on the visual journaling/mixed media train. im excited. i'll keep you posted.

coffee is my new best friend… April 27, 2006

i vaguely remember a time where i could stay up till 4, write a paper, take a nap, make a coffee run, and still manage to see my 8am class. those days are gone. i got 4 1/2 or so hours of sleep last night. by my eye bleariness and general grumpiness you would think someone threw away my coffee cup and then serenaded me with polka lullabies. in a word- i have become a sleep-wuss. i require hours upon hours of sleep. two nights in one week where im up past 1am have put me over the edge… i wonder if i can take a nap during my planning period.

my childhood & other non-repressed memories. April 25, 2006

Tell me why you’re crying, my son
I know you’re frightened, like everyone
Is it the thunder in the distance you fear?
Will it help if I stay very near?
I am here.

Refrain:
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
Day is done, day is done
Day is done, day is done

Do you ask why I’m sighing, my son?
You shall inherit what mankind has done.
In a world filled with sorrow and woe
If you ask me why this is so, I really don’t know.

(refrain)

Tell me why you’re smiling my son
Is there a secret you can tell everyone?
Do you know more than men that are wise?
Can you see what we all must disguise
Through your loving eyes?

i got a gift-card to b&n for easter. in a moment of caffeine induced perfect-childhood-reminiscing i decided to purchase peter, paul & mommy. the trio's children's lp. i have it on vinyl at my parents but i wanted something more day-to-day practical.

i love this album.

it brings back memories of summer with mom. going for long walks. cutting out paper-dolls. making storybooks. reading narnia under the blanket, with a flash light. picking berries. naps with konaki. torturingplaying with zach. watching the muppets. setting in front of our ancient stereo with my folk records and psalty tapes while gently flipping through my dad's books. they smelled smart- musty and worn with a hint of smoke.

every-time i get caught up in school or work or status, i go back to these memories. i see my parents, with two kids, a huge dog, and a mentally unstable cat. we lived in a small yellow house with a front porch and a backyard. we had great friends, good books, quirky music, and duke basketball games. and i think that's a pretty good goal for me, commune or no commune…

why i should cry more, in public April 19, 2006

i think that people have a serious misconception about me. i think there are people out there that truly believe i bound out of bed each morning, take a bold look in the mirror, & think "ahh. super-model good looks & ridiculous amounts of brain to boot. perfection." contrary to popular opinion this is not how i start my day.

no one has ever dared to articulate these thoughts. but i hold fast to my belief that a good portion of the general population gathers, meets, and discusses my confidence/arrogance/whatever we're calling it today and their master plan to rid me of all my inflated self-esteem issues.

but lani you say, with your hand on the dial of the nice doctor you met who said that paranoid schizophrenics need hugs and drugs, why would you think something like that?  Because people say things to me that you wouldn't say to anyone who you assumed had any normal human feelings of inadequacy.

what? you think im exaggerating (which is so insulting since i never exaggerate). here's a list of things real people (good people too) have said to me.

"it's going to be so hard for you to find a husband. but i shouldn't say that because God can do anything." (yeah. good to know my marriage is going to be qualified as a miracle. that makes me feel special)

"you can't work in a library. you'd never be able to be quiet!" (1. i have the ability to be quiet. 2. i want to work with kids!)

"are you really qualified to do anything besides teach?" (so many comments, so little time. are you qualified to talk? just curious.)

"huh, you're really tall. that must be so very hard. you know, to find clothes, or dates… but you don't really look like you care about those things. so that's good." (so i look like a lonely homeless woman who's cool without clothes or dates. thats so good to hear because thats the look i was going for.)

"you are the most strong-willed female i've ever met. i'm strong-willed but i'm a guy so i was able to marry someone sweet and gentle…" (now i know what to do!if i could locate my copy of dobson's "the strong willed 20something" id have all the answers.)

if you find something you have said listed here. do not fret. just continue living now with newfound knowledge that its your fault when i spontaneously burst into tears because i cant find the coffee.

if you see me start to circle alert the authorities. April 17, 2006

Easter this year was thoughtful, inspiring, & redemptive. i have a tendency to get so caught up in the negatives of church, the politics, the cultural issues, the flawed people, the sermon that was heartless, the lack of coffee, the song that was off-key, the misinterpreted conversation with someone who just doesn't get me-that i completely forget about redemption. i have to remind myself that the church is not perfect & if i ever found that perfect church they wouldn't let messed-up broken me inside the doors.

Harry Emerson Fosdick is quoted as saying:
Someone has said, "If we could get religion like a Baptist, experience it like a Methodist, be positive about it like a Disciple, be proud of it like an Episcopalian, pay for it like a Presbyterian, propagate it like an Adventist, and enjoy it like an Afro-American — that would be some religion!"

i understand his desire to splice. two years ago i went church hunting. i had come home from college to a church i loved but there was a huge age gap between the high school youth group & the young marrieds with 2.5 kids. i fell right in the middle of it. so i started looking around for a church with people my age. i made a mental list of things i thought were important. i will confess that not all the things on my list were rational important. i was building a fictional church perfect for lani, something that would cater to her every whim. there would be deep expository teaching, but also stories and antidotes, lots of discussion, instant intimate authentic friendships, but no forced relationships, lively praise music and old hymns, opportunity for ministry, but not too much pressure to serve, a large group of Christians my age, but not too many, and really only the "kind" of people i liked, preachers who were laid back and relational, but not too nosy about my every-day life, and a self-refilled coffee pot in every room.

its just so arrogant.

i assume that I'm the only one who ever thought of the perfect way to do things & of course as soon as everyone else sees my true brilliance, this is how everyone will do church. i just assume that on these days its the caramel coloring in my diet coke making me crazy.

i went to CBF with my family yesterday & loved every second of it. i loved the familiarity, the music, the worship tone, Lee, his words of encouragement & hope, the intimacy of that church, and the history i have there. but if i went there i would find something to complain about.

i know that i am where i am for a reason. i feel like there is a purpose to this past year and the one we're currently working on. i see the growth in my life, my heart, and my mind. i value the friendships i have with people who i share nothing in common with except a love for Christ & a desire for fellowship.

on good days i remember that He has redeemed all things in my life. this includes my attitude on church and people and all those other crazy ugly complicated beautiful life-altering things. im broken and i cant "fix" the church or the people who belong to her. i cant even "fix" myself. i simply can pray & thank Him for this reminder of my brokenness and His redemption & hope that these realizations come more and more often. that and work on the patent for the self-refilled coffee pot.

apparently no one made the blogspot to wordpress move with me… April 12, 2006

things i have done this week:

1. made a 9th grade girl cry. she needed to. crying can be very healing.

2. gave IOWA standardized exams. do not ask me why they are called the IOWA exams. i know we live in arkansas.

3. spent an hour in the library searching for an appropriate educational video to show my small children as a treat for their testing experience.

4. made dinner for 13 people. so far no reports of food sickness.

5. finally finished reading Dominion and The Southern Agrarians.

6. Read Julie & Julia by Julie Browne. good, light, slow-searchin' stuff

7. finished my grade school application to UCA's Media Library program. (i think i get to start in June…)

8. ordered cds by SNMNMNM, Rhett Miller, and The Decembrists.

9. Lusted over the concretes songs and hairstyles.

10. mourned over pictures of the blue pixie cut… college made me happy sometimes.

confessions of a npr junkie April 11, 2006

i listen to npr & have rather recently lost all southern conservative Bible-belt shame about lovin' & listen' to the melodic voices that flow over public radio. i have emerged from the npr lovin' closet & boy does it ever feel good.

my all-time favorite program on npr is "this i believe." i'll catch it on mondays coming home from a long day at work & simply smile. "this i believe" began in the early 1950s. Edward R. Murrows developed the program in order "to point to the common meeting grounds of beliefs, which is the essence of brotherhood and the floor of our civilization." i can get behind that.

i'e been flirting with my "this i believe" essay for several months. its hard to pick one core belief & effectively illustrate it with a life antidote within 350-500 words and 3 minutes of air-time. i think i have my belief narrowed down, the front-runner is "knowing your origins."

i believe in the importance of knowing your origins. i am oftentimes disgusted by my generations universal lack of historical and personal knowledge. my peers can dissemble a laptop & piece it back in 30 minutes but cannot tell you where their last name originates from if a gun was resting against their temple.

it was inevitable that i would fall in love with origins, history, people. i've lived my life south of the mason-dixon line (except for the 2 years following birth). here folks talk about where "your people" are from. your granddaddy & your neighbors grandma were probably high school sweethearts. i could never participate in these lively discussions. my people are spread far and wide. i have yearned my whole life to have people who knew other folks' people. i wanted to participate in this secured community of shared origin. i first realized the importance of origins in the south.

i didn't find my origins until i went to maui. when my parents announced they were taking our family to the islands i thought the trip would be a tropical vacation where i happened to be related to certain people who lived there. & i was partially right. a few days into our trip & all of that changed. my aunties & uncles took us to our family cemetery. i'm not sure how to match up words that explain the significance i felt at that moment. something is always more valuable once you know its history- people are no different. i looked at my family in a new light and found an appreciation for my people.

this desire and interest in origins translates into my everyday life. i want to know where people are from, what their childhood was like, or even where their name comes from. knowing the history of a person is a way to show respect and an opportunity to gain understanding. i believe in the importance of origins.